"Thirst!" From Diary Of a Drug Fiend By Aliester Crowley

Thirst! Not the thirst of the throat Though that be the wildest and worst Of physical pangs--- that smote Alone to the heart of Christ Wring the one wild cry “I thirst!“ from his agony, While the soldiers drank and diced: Not the thirst benign That calls the worker to wine; Not the bodily thirst (Though that be frenzy accursed) When the mouth is full of sand, And the eyes are gummed up, and the ears Trick the soul ‘till it hears Water, water at hand, When a man will dig his nails In his breast, and drink the blood Already that clots and stales Ere his tongue can tip its flood, When the sun is a living devil, Vomiting vats of evil And the moon and the night but mock The wretch on his barren rock, And the dome of heaven high-arched Like his mouth is arid and parched And the caves of his heart high-spanned Are choked with alkali sand! Not this ! But a thirst uncharted ; Body and soul alike Traitors turned black-hearted Seeking a place to strike In a victim already attuned To one vast chord of wound; Every separate bone Cold ,an incarnate groan Distilled from the icy sperm Of hell’s implacable worm; Every drop of the river Of blood aflame and a-quiver With poison secret and sour- With a sudden twitch at the last Like certain jagged daggers (With bloodshot eyes dull-glassed The screaming Malay staggers Through his village aghast). So blood wrenches its pain Sardonic through the heart and brain. Every separate nerve Awake and alert, on a curve Whose asymptote’s name is “never” In a hyperbolic “for ever!” A bitten and burning snake Striking it’s venom within it, As if it might serve to slake The pain for the tithe of a minute. Awake, for ever awake! Awake as one never is While sleep is a possible end, Awake in the void, the abyss Whose thirst is an echo of this That martyrs, world without end (World without end, Amen!) The man that falters and yields For the proverb’s “month and an hour : To the lure of the snow-starred fields Where the opium poppy’s aflower. Only the prick of a needle, Charged from a wizard well! Is this sufficient to wheedle A soul from heaven to hell? Was man’s spirit weaned from fear of it’s ghosts and gods To fawn at the feet of a fiend? Is it such terrible odds--- The heir of ages of wonder, The crown of earth for an hour, The master of tide and thunder Against the juice of a flower? Ay! In the roar and the rattle Of all the armies of sin, This is the only battle He never was know to win. Slave to the thirst--not thirst As it is here weakly written, Not thirst in the brain black-bitten, In the soul more sorely smitten! One dare not think of the wildest and worst! Beyond the raging and raving Hell of the physical craving Lies, in the brain benumbed, At the end of time and space, An abyss, unmeasured, unplumbed--- The haunt of a face! She it is, she, that found me In the Morphia honeymoon; With silk and steel she bound me, In her poisonous milk she drowned me, Even now her arms surround me, Stifling me into the soon That still--but oh, how rarely!-- Comes at the thrust of the needle, Steadily stares and squarely, Nor needs to fondle and wheedle Her slave agasp for a kiss Hers whose horror is his That knows that viper womb, Speckled and barred with black On it’s rusty amber scales, Is his tomb-- The straining, groaning, rack On which he wails--he wails! Her Cranial dome is vaulted, Her mad Mongolian eyes Aslant with the ecstasies Of things immune, exalted Far beyond the stars and skies, Slits of amber and jet-- Her snout for the quarry set Fleshy and heavy and gross, Bestial, broken across, And below it her mouth that drips Blood from the lips That hide the fangs of a snake, Drips on venomous udders Mountainous flanks that fret, And the spirit sickens and shudders At the hint of a worse thing yet. Olya! The golden bait Barbed with infinite pain, Fatal, fanatical mate Of a poisoned body and brain! Olya, the name that leers It’s lecherous longing and knavery, Whispering in crazing ears The secret spell of her slavery. Horror indeed intense, Seduction ever intenser, Swinging the smoke of sense From the bowl of a smoldering censer! Behind me, behind and above, She stands, that mirror of love. Her fingers are supple-jointed, Her nails are polished and pointed, And tipped with spurs of gold: With them she rowels the brain. Her lust is critical cold; And her Chinese cheeks are pale, As she daintily picks, profane With her octopus lips, and the teeth Jagged and black beneath, Pulp and blood from a nail. One swift prick was enough In days gone by to invoke her She was incarnate love In the hours when I first awoke her. Little by little I found The truth of her, stripped of clothing, Bitter beyond all bounds, Leprous beyond all loathing. Black the plague of the pit, Her pustules visibly fester, Cancerous kisses that bit As the asp caressed her. Dragon of lure and dread, Tiger of fury and lust, The quick in chains to the dead, The slime alive in the dust, Brazen shame like a flame, An orgy of pregnant pollution With hate beyond aim or name-- Orgasm, death, dissolution! Know you now why her eyes So fearfully glaze, beholding Terrors and infamies Like filthy flowers unfolding? Laughter widowed of ease, Agony barred from sadness, Death defeated of peace, Is she not madness? She waits for me, lazily leering As moon goes murdering moon The moon of her triumph is nearing; She will have me wholly soon. ………………………………........... And you, you puritan others, Who have missed the Morphia craving, Cry scorn if I call you brothers, Curl lip at my maniac raving, Fools, seven times beguiled, You have not known her? Well! There was never a need she smiled To harry you into hell Morphia is but one Spark of its secular fire. She is the single sun-- Type of all desire! All the you would, you are-- And that is the crown of a craving. You are slaves of the wormwood star. Analyzed, reason is raving. Feeling, examined, is pain. What heaven were to hope for a doubt of it! Life is anguish, insane; And death is--- not a way out of it!

Moonshine dance

Lo’, now, we walk the night, Hearts a pumping, Never fright, Stimulated, beyond stimulus, Right now, it’s all right, Hope is less, now is more The world is cool, Bathed in sleep, The voices around us are silenced, We can relax and forget The extrospective rays are gone, We can feed our introspectual minds It’s all fine now, No need, no fear, No stress, no tears, Just relaxed, In our quite moonshine dance

A Lie, A wrong

I’m sorry, I made a mistake, I’m sorry, I was wrong, I’m sorry, If I, Made you mad, I’m very sorry, If I made you sad I was wrong, I made a mistake, That is all, Please, don’t hold it against me, Please, I’m begging, On my knees, I was wrong, That’s all, Don’t hold that against me, Please, don’t hate me, Don’t make me feel bad, I’m really sorry, If I made you sad This all seems, Like it’s so mistaken, So unreal, wrong …………………… A lie

Hand of Fate (Goodbye for now -----)

The hand of fate can gently nudge, Hardly push you in the right direction Taking time, biding, wait Takes so long, To meet your fate But that hand, Can also slap you in the face, Screaming at you, Telling your fate It’s easier that way Time may show, A different rout, But now it’s my time, To fade away ………… From you

Hold Too Soon

Could I ever hold, You, under the light of the moon? Could our hearts ever mould, Our would all of this, be too soon? Maybe I, just shouldn’t ask, Maybe I, should just do, And hold your hands in a tight clasp, For all of this, is so new. So new, yet old, Known forever, But never told Still, we’ll forget but never! Is it my fault, for loving you? Or your for being so true?

To ----

The next time I see you, I swear, I’m going to kiss you, The next time that we're alone, I swear, I’m going to kiss you, Forget everything, I swear, And I’m just going to kiss you, Without a reason, without a cause, And probably without the right, I swear next time I see, I’m going to kiss you, Whether or not It’s right …………………… I really hope, That you don’t mind

Has It Only Been?

Has it only been an hour, Since I last talked to you? Has it only been a day, Since our eye’s last met? Has it only been a month, That I’ve been dreaming of you? Has it only been a year, Since we met? And has there been a minute, Since then, That my heart has not ached, When your not, In my arms, in my hands ………………… Forever heart ache, Forever love

The Watcher and the Poet

[Poet] “I can ease your troubled mind. I can help you save your time. I can help you till the end. I can help you see again…” [Watcher) "but can I hold you, till the end?" [Poet] “Until the day is over and our troubles gone; Just hold me. We’ll forget everything and still live on. Just hold me. Live in peace where love is love and you are you. Just hold me. Just together, you and me, nothing to do. Just hold me. [Watcher]"I'll hold you now, Forever more!" [Poet] “Forever is not long enough…” [Watcher] “But would it not, be a start!” [Poet] “The start of everything that means but anything..” [Watcher] “And the end, of all, that does not!’ [Poet] “For everything, that's anything, is here , with us!” [Watcher] “You are, everything my dear, You are the sun, the moon.” [Poet] “And You are, but more, than love. Profane and still, I need You.” [Watcher] “I am profane! But who now speaks! Quaff O' Quaff, forget and let me hold you in a tight embrace.” [Poet] “And I will forget everything but you; you are everything now.” [Watcher] Everything, everything! Words are weak, there impact meek, let us simple sit here, we may kiss or we may weep! Through sorrow or salvation, we will have each other.” [Poet] “For forever, and longer. No more words, just hold each other.” [Watcher] In our lives, we will struggle no longer; throw off the bounds, and simply be there with each other!” [Watcher and The Poet] “Let this be now at an end, and simply hold.” [Watcher] “In silence forever…” [Poet] “And more.

Odd Life (Ode to Fate)

It’s a strange world, I live in now, It’s a strange life I lead, It’s a strange path I follow, Odd, so odd, Strange, even for me I’m bound, By my own chains, I’m entwined and surrounded, By choices I have to choose not to make I live, I fall, For fate Forget me, I can be not but a guru, Of untold things ……………….. Better left forgotten, …It’s not true, But I cant teach

Built to end, Made to sorrow, I’m sorry, It had to be this way, Built for sorrow Destined to end, For I can never follow, I’m sorry, I had, It has, to be so sad But that’s the way, The sight, you see? It’s our endless sorrow Learned by heart break, Shown by love, You must grow detached, To me my love Let our words be said, For in time, They will be dead… Before we are dead,

The Mind of Man

Burning, chaos at the core, Like a sun, a star, Shining on a desert waste. A tide that swears to love, But floods with hate They turn in revel, These stars of destruction, Pain, with out gain, Is there singular function, No purpose in peace, For these machines of the soul, No calm night reprieve, For the demons of fire, They burn with their passions, Chilled at the soul, Both parts in angst, Will murder us all, …………………….. The mind of man (No more, no more)

Looks; Never to Be

You look at me, I look at you, You look away, I look at you, You look at me, My eyes stray away You look at me, Thinking, “No, no, Never for me!” I look at you, “Alas, alas, Can never be!” I look for you, You search me, I love you, You can’t help But think of me, Your eyes speak of pain, For body of doubt, If only I, Could just, (this once) Release all my bounds Why can’t it be? Or, even more, Can it, truly be? ………………. Woe! No more, Please, O’ please, Just let us run free

Awake in the Moonlight

I awake in the moonlight And die at the dawn I run like a god till' the goddess is gone I swim through the ocean, Of a starlight deluge, Flounder and drowned, In a daytime typhoon ‘Float upon whispers, Of hushed midnight voices, Beaten to death, By noontime deep voices I love, I live, For the moonlight’s sweet dawn I hate, And I die, Beneath the tyrannous sun …………… We’ll awake in the moonlight, And hide in the sun

Smile for you

I’ll smile for you, I’ll laugh for you, Though it’s not, Something that I, Would normally do, Because it means so much to you, I’ll always smile for you

Throes alive

Lost in the throes of love, Lost in your beaming, And beautiful face, Love in the waves of my soul a flutter, Lost in this mirror Of the night and the day The move of a tress, The blink of her eye, The sounds from her lips, Leave me smiling, smiling wide, And O’ ner’ ever, ‘Leave wondering why There is no other beauty, There are no other souls, No other ones who’s eyes Beam right through me, No other, who, is anything to me, Alive for my goddesses biding Forever alive, in the throws of love, Forever despaired, in the throes of love, Forever, alive, for the throes of love, Forever, I die, for the throes of love, ……………………………….... May you, never extinguish May you, never be gone, Goodbye, goodbye, Beloved one

Won’t the sun go down?

Why wont the sun go down? Does it have to stay and hover now? Why wont the sun go down? Must it persist , to play this boring game? Why wont the sun go down? Will always I have to wait and wait? Please let the sun go down. Let the ball of flame, Incandescent, overpowered shame, Who’s tendrils creep, Who’s weeping, seeping, rays, Keeps all the plant’s a chatter, And all the people awake, Why wont the sun go down? Please let the sun go down. I’m Impatient So Impatient But would not also be, Anxious for your chance to see? Please let the sun go down, Make the tyrant, Give up his crown ……………………………… At last, at last The sun is down

Last Angel

The angel, last angel, Walks before me, The angel, last angel, Last innocent one, The angel, last angel, The one who I would hold, So she would not fall, Fall like the rest The last, lone soul, Who’s heart is still a ruby, Who’s eyes still have glee, Lone, lone angel, Lost, without knowing it! She’s alone with the vultures, Grubby little eyes, Circling, round, round, For when the fall, the kill, is spied More than that, More indeed Are the other beings, Once divine, Fallen to fiends, Ravenous, and never slated, Always keen, For such a maiden, To make, But one more slave, Slave to the thirst, Thirst of satisfactions; truths be accursed! Angel, last angel, Within a living hell, A fair maiden, Who can never tell, The fiends from saints, The saints from sinners, What is worse, (Woe! Far worse for me!) Is that through all of this, I can only watch, And far to gently whisper, For I fear, In truth, The tears, Of the last angel, Of the last, So holy angel ………………………… Lost now in a sea, Before I have seen, Must I be there, To see you fall? Not you, please, O' Please

Mortal Drums

Pumping, beating, under skin, Pulsing with the crimson flush, Beating, pumping, Skin's a tremble at it’s touch Gentle strength, will not fail, falter To respond, will not live, The lies that we, so often run Pumping, beating Beating, pumping Pulsing, pulsing, Always at work, Never gets tired, never overworked But I am tired, And my heart, (Not, that beating drum!) Is weary, torn By need is gloom, (Woes be gone) Wishing silence But the drum beats And on and on, Beats a racket, Beat’s and beat’s, Forever on ……………………… Will it ever be done?

Silent Poets

There is no thing that’s love, There is not one whole truth, This is no spring of life, There no well of death, The one who does not know love, The one who claims he knows it true, Is but the one, the many, Too blind, and deaf, To know any thing in truth You say you don’t know what love is, I say there’s none that do, For love is more than white doves, Far more than drops of midnight dew Love is that, is all, That will for ever be true ………………………………. Not to be forgotten, Always misnamed, The one who calls not, Will always ring it’s name

The Lost Goddess Sequence

A Love that is Dammed Beauty is so queer So wretched So feared So lovely So good So brilliant O NO! I will not give way! No happiness stays But within her eyes! O why, O why! Why is this torture This tearing at heart Once it begins It’s never to far Your mind it is on That beautiful face No wrinkles No blemish in sight And when you are with her Your heart It is light But when she is gone Gone like the rest It will leave you depressed For this, it is love Not that old lie That lies the flesh But the key to the mind A dead key To a dead hope In this world today How I mope How I mope ……………………….. release The Haunt of a Face You haunt me, I see your face, In every glance I hear your voice In a distant laugh I see you here, I hear you there, And for a moment my soul My heart, and all my being Become elate with your coming But I remember, yes, too soon That it is not truly you You are in my mind now, You are a ghost, You haunt my thoughts You own my dreams You were the one, That was more than me ………………………………...... Even now I can not resist your beckon I am yours, as always For the one who is now gone… You still have Me!